Planet Me: Have the Scotch Gone Yet? Read online

Oh Shit - there goes 5 million potential buyers.

  Anyway, what the hell. I’m a quick learner. A very, very quick learner. And what I have learnt over the last few months is that writing non-technical, non-scientific crap is about 157,000 times more interesting than writing scientific technical crap.

  Good job it is. Because I’ve also learnt that all but a very, very, very few people probably do it and make any significant money.

  Fortunately, I write scientific technical crap to try and keep my wife fully furnished in fine jewellery, Bridget Jones specials, designer finery, nail polish, perfume and sports cars; my eldest son sat on his arse doing what most 23 year old blokes now seem to do; and just about prevent my 12 year old other son from starving.

  Which is a pretty good job, because, at the last time of checking, writing non-technical, non-scientific crap appears to pay precisely 18,341 times less than writing scientific technical crap. (Note: most numbers in this work and the previous offering are complete made up exaggerated bollocks. The previous figure is the single, solitary exception; it’s accurate, down to the final digit).

  What all this means is that having started out on this path (of writing non-technical crap) with the SOLE intention of writing something commercial that would sell at least 56.85 million copies, I now realise that it might be prudent to set my sales’ projections, just a little lower. Or, put another way, I am now purely doing this for the enjoyment of dumping what’s left of my ever decreasing number of warped brain cells onto white sheets of paper. At least I can then read them; if I put my glasses on.

  Oh don’t get me wrong; I’ll never “give in”. I’ll always press on and try. And I know that once something is written, there will always remain that feint, feint chance that it could be accidently discovered; by 56.85 million people.

  So either way, it doesn’t matter a toss (of a caber). If I only sell a few copies in England, then the 5 million Scotch wouldn’t make it succeed. And if I sell 56.85 million copies, the 5 million Scotch can just go off and play with thistles and shag sheep (or is that the Welsh? Possibly Book 3?).

  So to the question.

  “Should they stay or should they go?”

  Well, to be honest, it’s like I said in the introduction. I really do not give a shit, just as long as they get on with it and make a decision. It’s called Democracy as far as I’m concerned; and I’d just let the people decide.

  Why all the Politicians take it all so bloody seriously and declare sides and preferred positions is a bit beyond me. Or, I suppose I can see why some of them take sides. The SNP want their own bit of wasteland (back). I can see that. But I can’t for the life of me see why any Conservative English MP or Cabinet Minister would go out of their way to plead for the Scotch to stay.

  In fact, just on pure “Maffamatix” grounds they should be pushing all the Scotch back over the old broken wall quicker than an MP can say “what no underpants?” with a wicked over-excited grin on his face. After Labour fixed all the constituency boundaries, off-loading 5 million left-wing Scotch to only be able to vote for their own Parliament in Edinburgh is the only chance the pretend Conservatives have left of ever being able to check out the interior furnishings of Number 10 again.

  But given that the English establishment do want them to stay, I’d just say that, and then let the Scotch print 5 million ballot papers with two boxes one marked “Yes – piss off on our own” and the other marked “No – stay in the shitty UK (and REALLY piss the Tories off)”, book a few thousand village halls on a Thursday and hand out pencils.

  But politicians just can’t do this. They can’t make any sort of decision and then just let REAL democracy decide. They have to take it just all so bloody seriously. Try to look like they are influencing things. And debate stuff. And then debate it again. Although after the cheeky chappie from the new kids on the block wiped the floor with the last idiot who popped up over the parapet for a debate, I suspect debating might take a bit of a back seat for a while.

  The other possibility of course, however unlikely, is that the pretend Conservatives are playing it SMART. (OMFG! Yes, I know it sounds a bit of a VERY remote possibility, but you never know). That is, they are PRETENDING that they want the Scotch to stay, and then undertaking a range of actions that make it 99.98% certain that they WILL piss off and let Cam the Man have the keys to Number 10 in 2020. After the other lot have completely re-shagged the economy; again.

  So, could the Scotch survive on their own?

  Well, here, if any of them are still in Scotland reading this and have not yet set off South with a pick-axe to smash my brains in, I might just surprise them. Because unlike many, I’m pretty sure they COULD, if they organised themselves effectively (which, unfortunately, the SNP will not be capable of).

  My take is they have most of what’s left of the oil, beautiful stunning scenery, Scotch (the Whisky - not the funny men in dresses and fat birds who eat deep fried Mars bars), some nice biscuits, a funny monster, good roads for the number of people and lots of open space with fresh air. So, provided they could get their CO2 emissions up and raise the temperature by say about 11 degrees centigrade, so that their glorious sandy beaches and clear blue waters could attract plenty of thonged beauties just like Rio, I think they could be on to a winner.

  Think about it. Mountaineering, walking, camping, lakes and the sea for water sports, skiing in the winter, Scotch round every corner of every mountain road so that all the visitors are permanently pissed and lose track of their (over) spending. I can’t see how they could lose.

  Unless. Unless, they happened to put in charge some left wing raving lunatic who won’t be able to add up, will think that he can hand out free lunches everywhere (and prescriptions; and university courses; and all the rest), and whose sole success will probably be to completely screw up the Scotch economy even more quickly and effectively than New Labour managed across the UK economy.

  “Free haggis anyone?”

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