Planet Me: Have the Scotch Gone Yet? Read online



  Have The Scotch Gone Yet?

  A.D. Moreton

  Have The Scotch Gone Yet?

  By A.D. Moreton

  Copyright © 2014 A.D. Moreton.

  ISBN 978-0-9928150-4-2

  First Edition, 2014.

  CONTENTS

  Haggis Starter

  1 - The Elephant in the Room (Flight MH370)

  2 - Candles and stuff

  3 - European Health Insurance Card

  4 - Scotch – Should They Stay or Should They Go Now?

  5 - A Perfect Trip to Paris (Wine, Women and Song)

  6 - Men and Supermarkets (Don’t Mix)

  Glossary (What Stuff Means)

  Acknowledgements

  Haggis Starter

  Well, you were all warned. And, unfortunately for you horrible lot, a few of you did actually go out and buy the original offering, “Planet Me: all the stuff that pisses me off”, or whatever it was called1. And, apparently, most of you fine, cultured, enlightened individuals begrudgingly sort of grunted “sort of pretty good” or gave it a thumbs up or something2.

  Now, this is where it starts to get a bit difficult. You see, introducing the first book was a complete piece of piss. All I had to do was explain that the book was along the lines of a Clarkson or crappy American type offering with a load of moaning. Then explain that it was MY version and that I happen to be not quite normal. Warn off all the ladies. And then, there we were, up and running.

  But you now know all that crap. So it’s not appropriate to tell you it all again.

  So, the point is, how the hell do I start?

  Even more fundamentally, what the bloody hell do I call it?

  So, first to the title.

  Clearly, you all now know I’m a scientist. As in, pretty organised and methodical. Oh yes - and bone idle. So whilst I could concoct some high sounding strategic reasoning for using the same title, plus an extra bit of different crap, like: “I felt there would be a commercial and public recognition benefit from having a corporate, Trade Mark type feel to my work”, I won’t bother.

  I’ll once again just give you the straight answer. As in, “having spent a reasonable amount of my ever reducing inhaling and exhaling seconds here on planet earth designing and producing the cover for the first book, I simply couldn’t be arsed to go back and start with a blank sheet of paper”. So what you get is a different colour top and bottom (nice environmentally friendly green – very fetching I think), the same background, the same planet with a silhouette of me mouthing off, a few different sketches and a slightly different font for the very topical subheading relating to Scottish Independence.

  So, does that mean that this book contains a load of whinging about Scottish Independence, taking the piss out of sheep’s guts and men that can’t talk and wear dresses, and the like?

  Of course not! Jesus, I’m boring, but not that bloody boring. There might be a little bit of that; it would be rude not to. But on the whole, it’s just like I said at the end of the first book: “this is a book with some stuff in it”. And the great thing about writing all this is that at the start, even I don’t really have the faintest clue about what sort of stuff. It just happens. And then sort of happens a bit more.

  So if the book has nothing really to do with my Scottish mates and them naval gazing for three years over a question that should take any competent bloke or non-bloke about 45 seconds to answer, whether he or she wears a dress or not, why the hell have I called it “Have the Scotch gone Yet?”

  Well, actually for four reasons:

  1. It pisses me off to see so much wittering on and complete indecision; is it a yes OR, a no? Just bloody get on with it and answer the sodding question. I don’t give a shit what the answer is you come up with, but please just get on with it and decide; preferably without wasting another couple of billion quid (that’s proper, ENGLISH quid) farting around.

  2. It pisses my best mates north of the crumbling old wall, off, to be called after a fine golden alcoholic beverage; so I do.

  3. It’s current and topical.

  4. I like it; and it’s my bloody book. So what, if I’ve just written off 5 million potential buyers?

  So back to the original question of how to start this second book?

  Err, I think I just have. But keep on reminding yourself – this is my problem, not yours.

  Enjoy.

  1. Actually “Planet Me: Some Sarcastic Ramblings on Anything and Everything that Amuses or Irritates – Me”. Published by Eezisit Publishing, 2014.

  2. At least I think it was a thumb; and not a finger, or two

 

  1 - The Elephant in the Room (Flight MH370)